I come from a relatively well to do family, and recently I've been getting to know this girl who is not well-to-do, we may end up together. How do I know she's not in this for the money? - Seedly
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Anonymous

Asked on 24 Oct 2018

I come from a relatively well to do family, and recently I've been getting to know this girl who is not well-to-do, we may end up together. How do I know she's not in this for the money?

Her family stays in a 2-room flat while mine stays at 6th Avenue. Thats the gap we have now.

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Yl Chua
Yl Chua
Level 5. Genius
Answered on 14 Jan 2019

Frankly speaking, it's not easy to tell.

Plus too little info here in the question.

If you are well to do, dress like one, and splurge when outside (i.e. so obvious you are rich), and then it's the girl approaching you.. then you just have to monitor more and be careful.

It's really not about where the girl stays. So what if it's one room, two room flat or a wealthy girl?

Any of these girls have the propensity to be after your "wealth".

To truly know a person and the family... reveal little about yourself, be humble, and communicate more. Find out about lifestyle (maintenance), her dreams, ideals, her views on social matters, inheritance fights, how well she treats people of different levels, her type of friends etc. Learn to read body language than to just trust words. It looks like you are just at the starting stage... So spend more time and see with the heart.

The rich or wealthy sometimes keep thinking that people are out to eye their money. Some people even think that by "controlling money", they can manipulate people.

Money is just another object. You weren't born with it, neither can you leave with it. It's existence, is just to make your life a little better or worse.. depending on how attached one is to it. The worst characters fight over inheritance, tearing their own blood relatives apart, when the money weren't even hard earned by them and if any, granted by deceased to them, is just a gift.

There are blissful families with plenty of love at all levels of wealth. There are hateful and estranged families in the wealthy families too.

If super worried, do a pre nuptial agreement.

Nice women are actually more worried about marrying the wrong guy. And guarding fathers are worried that their daughters marry jerks, especially rich ones as guys with money tend to misbehave or guys who don't know how to treat their wives well.

There are probably ways to test water, but it means white lies (not encouraged). Or that the family insist on entering pre nuptial agreements for wives to be.

Women who love you for who you are, won't be very much offended by these worldly stuff.

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Jason Sin
Jason Sin
Level 8. Wizard
Answered on 24 Oct 2018

Trust is the key here. If you do not trust her or trust your own judgement, perhaps take time to really understand your partner. There is no need to rush into a marriage. Time will reveal a person's character.

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Junus Eu
Junus Eu
Level 9. God of Wisdom
Updated on 20 Apr 2019

Have you been in previous relationships where the girl was in it for just the money? By mentioning that 'her family stays in a 2-room flat while mine stays at 6th avenue - that's the gap we have now' - it definitely sounds like that gap in family wealth does matter to you.

My two cents worth:

  • It is still early - like Jason Sin rightly said, it takes time to understand her. Additionally, it goes two ways. If you are constantly thinking about her family being in a 2-room HDB flat when with her, she probably can feel it as well. Besides, the girl's family should not just be categorized by the type of house they stay in. Or anyone's family, for what matter.

  • Even if you do want to compare the size of houses, I trust the home is bought by your respective parents? The size of the home your parents bought with their wealth is a function of their success. You are a recipient of that. So why bring the size of the house you are living in into consideration at this stage, when you guys have not even started dating?

That said, I definitely do understand the legitimate concern of shying away from golddiggers. So to continue:

  1. Does she already know you come from a wealthy family? Maybe you can think about your interactions before she came to know that you are wealther than her. Consider the following behaviours:

  2. Does she always expect you to pay for meals/holidays etc, or has always been ok with splitting the bill?

  3. Are most of your dining places at the higher-end places?

  4. Do you need to pacify her only with expensive gifts? Does a warm handwritten note matter more?

  5. Is she very agreeable with you, but not so much with her other friends? If so, you probably can tell that she is trying to hard to please you.

That said, I do think it makes sense to just take things slow and see her as it is, with no biases first.

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GL
Gideon Lim
Level 3. Wonderkid
Updated on 26 Apr 2019

Watch Crazy Rich Asian for reference?

Joke aside, your concern is more reflective of your insecurity and limited ability to trust her. Deep down, you worry that she may break your heart and the relationship. Perhaps, you have had bad relationships in the past or simply a learnt experience from your social interactions with others. It's not wrong, it's just a survival instinct, a psychological coping mechanism to protect your wealth and your heart from getting broken - the 'modern way'.

Unfortunately, there is no practical way to find out. Thinking hard to test water is a representative of your function in the relationship based on your insecurity. You will never have 'enough' evidence to trust her until, without you knowingly push her to the corner, and you take one bad evidence to confirm your speculation. Is this worth it? How would she feel? She could be the one that takes your wealth to another level? She may not be? So many questions in your head and it is endless.

Deep in your heart, you just want to have an honest and open discussion, with her. A good relationship begins with trust, feeling safe and being honest with the questions that you have for one and another, talk about it and come to a mutual respect of feelings and emotions. There is nothing more practical than talking about it with her.

It may end well or it may not but that is the least risk you can take.

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Ninja

27 Feb 2020

Yes you can refer to my answer. I was at that stage.
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Javier Yong-En Lee
Javier Yong-En Lee, Director at Itconsult Pte Ltd
Level 3. Wonderkid
Answered on 25 Apr 2019

Honestly, from young, I have always been made use by friends because my family is more comfortable. Although I am not a Sixth Avenue range person, but super poor family background people somehow almost always come around me to become friends or love interests etc. I think it also comes back to how would you be nice to someone. Do you splurge on presents and expensive meals on them? Always drive them home? (Well you have to do it for a gf but my male platonic friends in my 20s always request me, the woman drive half an island to fetch them and after the outing drive them home to the other end of the island when my home is in the Central near everywhere, that is how bad it is) Always offering treats to others? If you often behave like me when I was young, then it is very likely these people are getting close to you for the benefits. But it is really normal for all humans to enjoy benefits. Who does not want a good deal or a freebie? The key thing is the relationship you build with these people. Humans are seldom 100% greedy evil gold diggers with no heart. There are also very unlikely 100% givers without wishing to have something in return. (Let's ignore those religious saints and monks for a moment) There were many who hurt me and abandoned me after squeezing me of money time and love. There are also some true friends that we have gone through real quality time together in our youths and when we meet again many years later, when they become financially better off, gave me an occasional treat, thoughtful presents etc to repay me for all the treats I gave when we were young. It is really a learning path for you to firstly learn to express your love and concern through non-material means like a beautiful handmade card, care and concern when your gf needs comforting, build a warm and trusting relationship with her first. As time passes, if her mind is all about the money & never loved you, the truth will come to light sooner or later. But please do not splurge for yourself in front of her and purposely act stingy just for her, then it makes the relationship too ugly. I can tell you for certain young people who lived in very poor circumstances, would definitely desire to improve their circumstances, but how the relationship grows, is it of true love or of sucking more money, really depends on how you nurture the relationship.

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Yiyang Chen
Yiyang Chen
Level 4. Prodigy
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

Speaking from the point of view of someone who handles divorce cases daily, there are a few signs to see if she is in it for your money:

Does she ask often or in-depth questions about your parents’ income or source of wealth?

Have you met her parents? does she frequently arrange meals at restaurants w u and her family and expects u to pay for it?

Does she ask u for money to pay for her parents’ expenses like household or their holidays?

Is she ok if both of you maintain separate bank accounts after marriage?

Does she ever mention if both of you get married, she will be a housewife?

Is she career-driven? Cause high chance she is someone who believes in earning her own keep.

Does she expect u to bring her out to expensive restaurants during date nights?

Does she expect you to buy her gifts? And if so, from branded shops?

You need to watch her actions - words can mean something else but actions mean the truth.

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A
A

20 Apr 2019

Consult a lawyer and sign a pre-nup in line with the women's charter.
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Yong Kah Hwee
Yong Kah Hwee
Level 8. Wizard
Answered on 24 Oct 2018

After time goes by, you should be able to know if she's in it for the money. Look out for the little things she does for you. It can show whether the affection/feelings are genuine or not.

However, if you are too guarded/distrusting, she will be able to sense it, and it might potentially ruin a genuine relationship. My take is that one should not have any pre-judgement when getting to know someone. Family background, education, etc, do not matter when you are genuinely trying to know someone :)

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HC Tang
HC Tang, Financial Enthusiast, Budgeting at The Society
Level 9. God of Wisdom
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

Don't worry about people after the $, because it will show during the days of datings etc thru small signs and gesture.

I don't think she's in it for the $.

As you've said, she is witty, cute and intelligent , so even though she comes from poor family, doesn't mean she'll stay poor. With these qualities, she should be able to do quite well or at least quite alright :)

As she has her own strength and intelligence, she'll be able to make $ herself. Thus , even if you becomes poor, I don't think it will affect her because she understand what is it like to be poor.

Even if she's after the $, if she doesn't love you, you can tell. True love reaches the heart, if it doesn't, then you know it's not true love.

If is true love, then $ at the end is just what it is, a medium of exchange. Nothing more, nothing less. You can't bring it after you die, so as long as we don't see $ as everything, use it for doing good, it shouldn't be any reason that affect relationship.

Finally, she sounds like a very good girl. I hope you can see beyond this and may your love blossoms! :)

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HC Tang
HC Tang

24 Oct 2018

Haha. Wen Fong bro, just sharing 😀👍
HC Tang
HC Tang

24 Oct 2018

Hi Questions Poster, is it that important to find out if she's really after your $? The key should be love and future, if the 2 of you can accept each other's shortcoming after the initial honeymoon period, then it is true love. Because if both of you can't even get along well for at least 4 years thru ups and downs , then there's isn't any relationship then because you will break off somehow someway. Last but not least, even if she is someone after your $, before marriage you should always do a prenuptial so that both agree and assure that nobody is after nobody's $. Hope it helps 🙂
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Andy Sim
Andy Sim, HR Professional at a Financial Institution
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 06 Mar 2020

Hi Anon, honestly you should be able to tell if she's in for the money or not. Some questions you can ask yourself:

1) Does she offer to pay for meals?

2) How do you both resolve your arguments? Is she pacified when you buy her stuff? Or does she sincerely want to resolve the root cause of the problems with you?

3) Is she excited to settle down with you? Have you discussed wedding or future plans with her?

4) How do you settle your finances with her? Do you have a joint account with her?

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Pascal S
Pascal S, MBA Graduate at Singapore Management University
Level 6. Master
Answered on 06 Mar 2020

Difficult question...

I don't have a crystall ball and I am not a mind reader....I try to give you a not-so-generic piece of advice...

And the advice is, "you don't know until its too late"

Of course, if you think like what you are thinking, you will find excuses or at least, you would notice or over-notice things that you would like to believe....

Too bad.

Life is good.

Cheers,

Pascal

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Rais M
Rais M
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 28 Feb 2020

Why think until so drama? Get to know her better first and see how it goes. There is still a long way to go from 'may end up' together, to simpe dating, to serious dating and to marriage. Throughout this period, you can slowly build up your trust with her and get to know her better. There will definitely be signs if she is in it for the money.

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Sharon
Sharon
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 28 Feb 2020

Bring her to your house and have dinner together with your family around. You will see her behaviour in days to come. It's what I noticed when I bring gal friends home :) Some will be OK, others will start to behave badly. Your family will also be able to tell.

Do note that if you are dating with the consideration of getting married in the future, then you need to think about the family too. Because some families will behave badly too. Not the spouse with the problem, but the family. It will put a strain on the relationship and with your parents/siblings too.

Watch Korean dramas. You will get the idea in no time.

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Ninja
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 27 Feb 2020

Congratulations! If you are unwilling to share the wealth then it’s not real love. Always love with a pure heart and not love with a motive. The girl may or may not have a motive but you just shown us you have a 100% motive for guarding your money against your interpretation as a gold digger.

I’m a rich guy with the exact same story. She’s my wife now and earns more than me with her business that I initially invested in. So yeah gold diggers are groomed by mistrust.

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MT2020
MT2020
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 27 Feb 2020

Maybe you should not have let her knw whr u stay So early into the relationship. the main thing is to be humble and trust each other. thats the purpose of the relationship.

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Qingling Wu
Qingling Wu, Bachelor in Business at Murdoch University
Level 4. Prodigy
Answered on 22 May 2019

I think I know how you feel, somehow.

IMO I think what's important is whether or not she's willing to work hard and if she has dreams she wants to pursue. If it's neither of the above/ she's lazy, obviously she'll be more dependent on your wealth as she has no sort of her own. But if she is a girl with big dreams and is hardworking, kind and selfless, than I think you are thinking too much. :)

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