Its okay to feel alone

Story of my life as of 2022
Hey everyone! I am a 19 and half yo guy. Currently I’m still serving my 2 years of national service, before we begin with this story of my life I would like to put a disclaimer out there, the purpose of these is to just entertain or help people thats like me and letting them know they are not alone, the purpose is not to blame anyone or in the process bring hate anyone, so i say already ah… don’t go dig and find out who is who this is just a sharing session of an ordinary guy.

I shall start with my case of mental illness currently I am being treated at IMH for major depression and anxiety attack… blah blah blah… those that have depression should know this one come as a package one. So basically my depression started when I was about 16 without me really realising it until i was 18 and a half. I didn’t managed to finish my studies so my highest education is O level so you know my English here abit kns so those grammar queen and king chill abit. Back in my secondary school days I’m that kind of person, thats like you see me term 1 then I MIA until term 4 you will see me again, so my teachers all got worried and all but you know me being rebellious and all due to peer pressure, I decided to just drop out of school so those teachers will stop “annoying” me in a sense, dumb right? Ya I know, but because i dropped out of school I have nothing better to do than just mixing around with bad influence, so my mum decide time for me to do something in my life, well at least with this time she feels like i should be working at least no education gain some work experience, Which I feel make sense!

So I went to look for jobs and just try out different job, at 16 years old i feel the hardship and stress our parents have to go through, when i was 17 i was like “wah fml I want go back school work life isn’t as expected” so with the help of my cousin she managed to pay for my Private O level, spoiler i flung it too.. :p Back then i when I was having private I was also working for my expenses and all like food money transport money cigarette money etc. So I didn’t really have the time to revise and focus on my exams. So the depression i guess started was when I feel the peer pressure around me I guess, like think about it, you still here taking private Os while your friend all in poly, sounds like nothing but when you hang out with them and they start talking about projects and work in school or just about modules and etc you will feel so freaking left out. But back then It was quite manageable its just feeling left out and that remorseful feelings, so I would say still manageable because I always convince myself ; “ aiya, although I not like them in poly I at least have lots and lots of working experience, so lets say when I apply job in the future, i still have abit chance.” So even when opportunity come for me to go poly i didn’t seize it. I just keep working and get to know more friends and as time goes i slowly become a more “matured” person, I understand how hard to survive in this country.

So some people might ask how come you just feeling left out can lead to major depression all? Well its because when I was 19 working my sorry ass off I met a very special girl in my life… So back then i was working la like normal day for me, like so forking sian you feel me guys? Then i saw this “chiobu” I at first quite shy I don’t dare approach her, like I know my looks, my looks probably like if give her, her standard drop. But ya, so you know boys la.. i tried to get her to notice me by walking past her acting all “sat sat” (act cool:p) but fail miserably la she was just focusing on her job every time i walk past her. And i started like tracking her working days like a forking creep from that day and slowly get info about her by asking friends around me, until one day bam someone gave me her ig… Wah let me tell you guys that feeling maciam yall strike 4D best day that day, but problem is you got people ig so what? I dont dare dm only dare followXD, but then as this keeps up I heard news like its her last day at work like soon but even until the day came I never approached her.. UNTIL the following week i saw her again, so back then I quite puzzled I was like “ Last week not this chai last day meh? Nahbei who scam me sia?” Afterwards was just leapt of faith, I knew she was probably on her last week if I want try probably my final chance that guan yin ma give already cannot waste it you know? So I dmed her asking about her last day and why she was working so on and so forth..

So after that day I was like chatting with this girl but rabak is she rejected me quite alot of times when i direct or indirect her that i kinda have a crush on her. Until one day i was quite sad uh i was ready to move on quit the job and take a break she say she would like to try.. so guys thats the second time i feel like i strike 4D:0 Like those 5 hundred thousand first prize feeling, like forking happy la.. But back then too happy already got the girl in the mind all you think of is just flexing your girl and just cling into her no matter what, I forget the most important and essential thing in a relationship honesty.. Before y’all jump to conclusions, no I didn’t cheat on her, no way I still cheat when I try so hard for a girl and managed to get her to be my girlfriend..so when i was with her i was subconsciously trying to impress her trying to maintain a perfect boyfriend, but in reality I’m not, its just when you really want someone to be proud of you kinda vibe, you will do anything and everything to get the person to be impress and proud of you. So for example, when she asked what I was doing sometimes I would say I’m doing something else like reading but in reality I’m probably chilling and playing games. But its not about reading or whatsoever that pisses her off and causes her to leave, its the fact that I lied to her on such simple things, well boys if you have a girl that you really love and appreciate don’t ever lie to her thinking you will impress her, because it when she dig out something off, you are doomed there will be either more lies to tell more excuse to give or unnecessary misunderstanding which sucks.. I learn the hard way out, hais. But ya.. i tried giving excuses and all but as much as I love her theres really no reason to lie to someone whom you really love, but this is really quite debatable because some people might say, I telling him or her white lies to protect him or her or to protect yourself. But no matter what the best way is being truthful and honest with your partner, in fact i learned that the best way is probably just sit the person down and just spill every single things, and if he or she really do put in the same effort as you, they will attempt to understand you better from there. But end day its really up to you guys, but from what l have learned this is probably the best advice I can give anyone whose trying to actually want to share the same life together with your partner. So whenever she sense something is off, I get hella insecure thinking she might leave me or start loving/liking me less or worse start hating me.. which got me really scared, I know myself that if those things really happen I might just get really crazy and upset, so overtime the more she expose me the more my mental boom, to the extent I’m using my life begging her not to leave. Yeah pretty toxic and crazy, probably the biggest regret i had up to this day. Well my pov is she is so important that is equivalent to my life, but after some time when I think back I feel like there are so many other way to approach her back then.. But we cannot blame her or anything if i was in her shoe my guys is trying die because he thinks im not giving him enough love? Damn thats stressful af! But too bad too late for me but it’s probably not too late for you guys, its really okay to think he or she is your life I think is normal but i guess theres a better way of expressing than sitting on a ledge or holding a knife up your own throat. But honestly even after we broke i managed to beg her to come back just once, trust me as much as i wanted to change I don’t know where should i start end day its just back to square one. I was so upset about myself i feel so guilty and sorry towards her, yes she might come back because she feels bad or she actually really like me… but thats not the point the point is she willing to give me another chance but i still disappointed her, which i feel damn f*ed up about myself. After the second break up i was just feeling shitty about myself I built up hate for myself so much hate that I actually really really just want end myself, the tiredness everyday feeling abandoned and lonely even up to this day, but i guess its fine if you really just let it all out by screaming or whatever that you feel is right, just.. don’t do anything illegal you should be Gucci. But from my experience I will not tell you what to do because everyone have different coping mechanisms some people just want a hug, or a talk or just scream to help ease some emotional stress. Well for me talking don’t really work but hugs and scream do, but I understand sometimes people got depressed they cut contact with everyone they gave up everyone in their life even their parents, except for the one thing they really want and they probably will only open to that person or thing. Like take me for example if my ex was to come talk to me and offer me a hug every time I’m down or feeling useless damn that would be great! But its quite impossible, so your other alternative is probably your besties or brothers out there or your family member that you are opened to. For me i come from a broken family, my parents divorced when Im 6 and i wasn’t quite close with anyone back at home, yeah growing up was pretty much singleplayer gameplay for me, but i do have a sibei sibei good friend though our age gap quite huge uh, 7 years difference but to me he just like a big brother I approach him whenever I mental boom, although he can’t give me a solution to my problem but at least he is willing to share my burden.

So now some of my friends will ask me, like that you how sia? Well answer is suck it up lo.. bobian what to do you also cannot turn back time and fix mistake and if you are like me that ego too big cannot let go this kind of things, you just have to get used to being down and alone at times, its the consequences you decided the moment you hold on to the cause of your depression or anxiety attacks. To others this romeo juilet love story forking cringe and lame but I know lah think back also cringe and remorse at my action but everyone have their story to share I learned alot from this experience feel like can share with others. Some is because family member depress some is because of money depress, but trust me guys all the above i can understand because at certain stage of my life i was really stress about one of those things i listed. Some people also asked me, do I hate her for bringing so much damage to my life, honestly i think I’m the blame for this relationship my actions fork it all up and as much as I want to change and do it better I no longer have the power to do so.. if really want push the blame to someone i think it should be me.

Thats my pov but some feels that it work both ways which is also understandable given that a relationship is a two way thingy. My doctor also used to ask if I carry hope for her to come back, my answer is yes.. I mean at this stage of life what you need is not really just move on but have hope and faith on something to push you on everyday. Although part of me know I’m hoping for the impossible, its still give me slight joy and abit of light in life.. yes unhealthy bad but its one way or another I make myself wake up everyday alive and well. Everything up to now is honestly just me sharing my experience and my reflections about myself I hope this don’t bring hate to anyone or indirectly shoot anyone, or say anyone lanjiaoweh(badmouth) its just how I feel about myself and hopefully what i learned can save lives, somehow I don’t know. I managed to limp my way out everyday with all my emotions just like flooding my life i just hope you reading all these can be better than what im going through. Sometimes is quite tiring but on the bright-side it will be hard for me to be hurt easily again 🤷🏼‍♂️

With that said Thank you guys for reading my broken english story 🤡my english c6 fr:0