I earn x3 of my bf but he insists to "overspend" his salary on me and refuses to stop cause he wants to keep up with me. How do I tell him nicely that he can't keep up? - Seedly
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Anonymous

Asked on 13 Mar 2020

I earn x3 of my bf but he insists to "overspend" his salary on me and refuses to stop cause he wants to keep up with me. How do I tell him nicely that he can't keep up?

Me: O levels. Work almost daily, up to 16hrs/day (ft/pt/freelance/etc) paid off and now I "live a good lifestyle" not crazy rich Asian

Bf: Uni grad, Job hopped and got his "first job" (a 9-5) 3 yrs ago

Was introed by a friend. We hit it off. Didn't think money needed to be mentioned then

He can't keep up with my lifestyle. I don't blame him but he buys me things he can't afford? He also poor thing cuz he knows I'm used to being pampered. My main concern now is his future... Can't save what u spend

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janedoe
janedoe
Level 4. Prodigy
Answered on 15 Mar 2020

I think the best way is to tell him your concerns, have a mature and open conversation about it. If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with him, he cannot possibly be keeping up with this forever.

Let him know that you do not need to be pampered. That while you appreciate the gesture, you are able to afford such luxuries on your own. (The worse thing is to make him feel like he is spending on you yet you dont appreciate it) If he wants to spend on you, tell him that he can do so once in a while, not all the time. Tell him that you see a future with him, that you want to buy a house with him, that you want kids with him, and this future is only possible if you both can afford it. ​​​

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Angeline Teo
Angeline Teo, Calculator at The Internet
Level 6. Master
Answered on 01 May 2020

Awwww this is more common than you think.....

its more difficult to convince your bf that he can't catch up (men and their egos).....

its easier to tone down your own eating habits, spending so that he can match you lower.

may not be a bad thing.

and if you want to spend, maybe cook a reason, like oh its your birthday, can we go for a holiday where i paid for the air tickets and hotels since i haven't take good care of you because of my long work hours for a loooong time...

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Colin Lim
Colin Lim, Financial Services Consultant at Colin Lim
Level 7. Grand Master
Answered on 28 Apr 2020

You got have a heart to heart talk with him? You should let him know about the future...like marriage, house, children...

ask him to start financial planning or reach out to me on how to allocate his income on priorities.

Financial Planning 101: Allocating your income

Priority is 🗝. Set your priorities and then how many % or how much go into your priority.

1) 5% to 10% of annual income to insurances.

2) 20% of annual income to emergency funds.(based on income/expenses.)(6 to 12 months)

3) 30% to 40% of annual income to expenses.

4) 10% of annual income to holiday trips.

5)25% to 30% of annual income to savings and investments.

This is my priority.. Number 1 priority is what i believe... Insurances..life and health is a must to have when I start work.

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Maybe you guys can have a talk and find out why he sees the need to keep up with you. At the same time you can also let him know you are capable of providing for yourself and assure him that you do not need expensive gifts to feel pampered. Many people have the misunderstanding that the true value of the gift is determined by its price tag. The truth is what matters most is the effort and thought behind the gift.

At the same time, it is never-ending keeping up with others. Better and more expensive gifts will keep coming up, we will never see the end of it. We just have to learn to be contented with what we have and spend on what we need. There is no point in trying to keep up with trend, splurging all our savings on things we have then end up with an empty bank.

Hope you guys will have a good talk and a clearer idea of what to expect in future :)

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Cedric Jamie Soh
Cedric Jamie Soh, Director at Seniorcare.com.sg
Level 9. God of Wisdom
Answered on 20 Apr 2020

You can start by reducing you expenses and allocating more to your retirement, savings and let him know you like to prepare for the future.

That will help to nudge him to planning for the future.

if not, well, you have to talk to him open heartedly on why money is a big thing for couples and marriage. :)

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N
Ninja
Level 6. Master
Answered on 24 Mar 2020

Do a breakup.

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Tell him to "buy" things that is necessary like house etc

And to do that will need to save money first.

Or probably have him to tell you why he wants to spend so much on you and his rationale. See how you can correct it.

I make videos about interesting stuff at youtube here​​​

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Sharon
Sharon
Level 6. Master
Answered on 19 Mar 2020

Just thinking aloud if this is an insecurity issue due to the huge disparity in income levels. Or maybe due to his upbringing, he feels it's only right for a man to take up the bill.

Good to have a heart-to-heart talk and find out the underlying (real) reason.

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Wilson Nid A Break
Wilson Nid A Break
Level 9. God of Wisdom
Answered on 15 Mar 2020

Give him a max budget for him to spend per date/bday/holiday etc. Anything more than than, you reject/reimburse

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Rick Yu
Rick Yu
Level 3. Wonderkid
Answered on 14 Mar 2020

Talk to him about his own future first before discussing about your future with him. You can stop him from buying things for you. If you do not mind that he is earning less than you then carry on. Otherwise, work together with him to increase his income(not just from his job). Maybe from investing, side business etc.

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Tee Hon Eng
Tee Hon Eng
Level 4. Prodigy
Answered on 14 Mar 2020

You can consider discussing with him about the future plans. For example, housing. Allow him to understand that you have some goals that you would like to achieve and such goals requires funding. Since his income may be fixed, he would like to stop spend so much on current lifestyle in order to achieve that goal together.

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