I found out that my husband is having an affair. However, he is also the only one earning in our family. If I file for a divorce, does it mean I will have to provide for my 2 children alone? - Seedly
 

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Marriage

Asked by Anonymous

Asked on 24 Sep 2018

I found out that my husband is having an affair. However, he is also the only one earning in our family. If I file for a divorce, does it mean I will have to provide for my 2 children alone?

Feeling very lost here, I only have a diploma, so I'm not sure I can support both my kids if I file for a divorce. What should I do?

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Yiyang Chen
Yiyang Chen
Level 3. Wonderkid
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

Sorry to hear of your situation.

First try to talk to your husband and find out the cause of the affair. Listen to him and try your best to work on the problems.

If the marriage cannot be salvaged and you file for a divorce, it does not mean you have to provide for your 2 children alone. You can apply for maintenance for both you and your children. You will be expected to find a job though as you are healthy so maintenance from him for you will not be high. But for your children, your husband will be reasonably expected to maintain their present lifestyle.

As their mother, and if you are perfectly healthy, you will have custody of the children with access to your husband.

Regarding housing, talk to your husband then and see if your husband is willing to transfer this house to you if you do not have the money to buy over his share.

If you reach the stage of having to apply for a divorce, please seek advice from a divorce lawyer. And remember, you will not be alone.

Hope the above helps.

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Leong Wen Fong
Leong Wen Fong

on 26 Sep 2018

Hey, thank you for sharing this!
Bear Cranky
Bear Cranky

on 29 Sep 2018

My 22-yr marriage oso v weak. Husband nv put me & Gal in his heart. Work & friends r his priority! He often hme late & weekends MIA 5-6 hrs. Wonder ware he go as he refuse to say! Believe he hs women outside. Luv to lie & v secretive! Ppl always say talk it out bt he say nothing to talk! Sad! He gt lots to talk w friends & clients! He sleep on d floor in d other rm. Treat here like hotel. Why must men always be d one to hv affair? Unfair! Women always lose out! Man can easily find women despite his age bt women b/c undesirable as she age. Sad! Did think of getting PI to check if he hs affair bt its so expensive & so wat if he really hs affair? I dun wish to divorce even! So emotionally & financially draining! I feel tt marriage is forever as Till Death Do Us Part...
Tina Sharon Lee
Tina Sharon Lee
Level 3. Wonderkid
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

Hi there

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You may want to contact Aware. They have a free legal clinic. It may help you sort out your thoughts by discusssing your issues with experienced people for a start. Here is the link

https://www.aware.org.sg/information/divorce-2/

Don't be afraid. There are many who have gone through the same thing and are more than willing to help you.

All the best! Cheers

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Tina Sharon Lee
Tina Sharon Lee

on 26 Sep 2018

Yes it is sad especially when young kids are involved. Many take marriage vows lightly and there is a lack of commitment overall. :(
Leong Wen Fong
Leong Wen Fong

on 26 Sep 2018

Nonetheless, thanks for sharing, glad there are always people like you who are there to help! Always 2 sides of a coin.

Sorry to hear about the situation.

Sit down with him and talk about it to know what is the cause of it.

Try to keep the marriage intact "for" the children if he is willing to change.

IF he is not, then i am sorry you need to get out of such a toxic relationship.

It will take a lot of money and effort to get custody of the child if the father does not wanna to let you have it.

You will still be the mother of the child and given access to your child.

As for maintenace, you can refer to the link below but bear in mind LAWYER FEE are something you can never avoid.

https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/maintenance-of-spouse-in-a-divorce/

The ppty u are staying will be another issue to look at and u have a choice to buy over ur husband share or if he is unwilling, u have to sell tt ppty away.

Hope my reply helps.

If you feel this reply have Quality, please upvote and check other Quality Reply.

https://seedly.sg/profile/a-kenichi-xi

Thank you.

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Xinyi Lum
Xinyi Lum
Level 5. Genius
Answered on 25 Sep 2018

By another user who wished to remain anonymous as well

1) do not talk to your husband about it until you have gathered all information in his affair and his financial matters.

One of the most difficult things is proving

(i) his financials especially if he is not a salaried worker

(ii) yours and his contributions to the family

(iii) his affair.

(2) how to gather information on his financials - get hold of his tax assessment, bank accounts, assets, cpf account, details of properties, shares. You should also get information on his monthly expenses, your monthly expenses and your children monthly expenses. This is a double edge sword - the more thrift you are w your own needs right now, the lesser you get in terms of your maintenance. Same goes w your children’s maintenance.

(3) gather information on your past contributions to the family - what financial contribution to your matrimonial home - did you make payment before you stopped Work? How much?

Do you regularly pay for meals, renovations, etc?

How about now- what are your contributions?

Courts usually give w more equal share to both parties the longer the marriage is.

(4) gather evidence of the affair. Note that the court usually requires some PI report of the couple spending somewhere overnight before divorce is granted on basis of adultery

(5) talk to divorce lawyers / aware etc

(6) prepare yourself emotionally - start by strengthening your group of friends. I advise you to do all these before you approach him.

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Please keep all proof of your husband having an affair. (documents, videos, photos, witness etc)

That will help you greatly in asking for maintanence fees for your children and yourself.

The court will look at the family finances before and after wedding, and generally advocate that half of the men's financials after wedding is due to the wife's contribution to the family as well.

With proof of the affair, it is easier for the courts to make a decision.

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Junus Eu
Junus Eu
Top Contributor

Top Contributor (Sep)

Level 8. Wizard
Answered on 20 Mar 2019

Sigh. Which is why I am always an advocate of being financially independent as a woman, so that we don't have the crutch of being dependent on the husband.

I do believe that Singapore marital law, a woman is entitled to ask for custody, care and control of the children in a divorce. It is irrelevant if she has no income. The court can order a man to pay maintenance of his wife upon divorce, separation or annulment of marriage. The court can also order division of matrimonial assets upon divorce - even if the woman did not contribute to it.

In essence, if you do decide to file for divorce, then you won't need to provide for your children alone as it will still be a shared responsibility.

All the best! I hope everything turns out well for you, and hope you find someone who truly loves you and is true to you! Also, surround yourself with loved ones and friends - I am sure you would need all the love and support at this point!

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HC Tang
HC Tang, Financial Enthusiast, Budgeting at The Society
Level 8. Wizard
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

Hi. Very sorry to hear that.

Do try to do all that yiyang shared. Often an affairs happens because there's is something wrong in the marriage between the two of you. No one is perfect for each other and even the most perfect pair goes thru different stages in life and changes , at times might not transit well.

I'm not saying that you are at fault for his affairs , please don't blame yourself at all. However , all problems with couple starts with lack of healthy communication, and therefore problems arises and when not resolve in time due to lack of healthy communication, thus in the end one shut down or pretends that everything is fine and seek out for comfort and shelter elsewhere.

I want to encourage you to not lose hope. Ask yourself honestly If you still love him , tell him that and sit down with him to have an open honest talk without judgement or shouting or fighting. Try to work things out. Often there's a way out to reunite and patch up if you still love each other.

Finally , it if really had to come to an end , do think about children first always, because they are the true victim of the whole thing when family broken apart. Ask those friends who live or only 1 parent.

On the lawyer fee side , do not worry as you can ask the judge to charge to him as part of the maintenance.

For income , beside maintenance from him to maintain all of yours and children's current lifestyle and expenses , if you go to work and need child care, it will be part of the maintenance also where you can ask for it.

For coming out to work, there's support and training given by NTUC to support return to work mothers.

Hope things will work out for your family and turn for the better , for children sake. Don't lose hope. True love will still wins.

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Yong Kah Hwee
Yong Kah Hwee
Level 6. Master
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

I don't know much about this but I'd just like to wish you good luck! I hope that things will turn out better for you.

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Lee Jiahui
Lee Jiahui
Level 5. Genius
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

You need evidences, either through his phone conversation, or photos, but most important criteria for adultery is you need to prove that they slept together so unless the other girl is pregnant, usually PIs are hired to get the evidences, heard that this can cost 7-10k.

Next is you must ensure he holds a job for at least 6 months. If he has no income, you are on your own. Custody to you is usually not an issue if adultery is proven. Same for reverse situation if wife no income, adultery, husband still pay maintenance. If wife have income, adultery, husband can argue not to pay by saying have to maintain kids.

Finally, make sure you dont drag too long, cos after 6 months, it's deemed consent to adultery. And then if lack of evidence, you may have to go through 3 yr separation first before divorce.

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Bear Cranky
Bear Cranky

on 29 Sep 2018

Hw to gt evidence? He always tk his hp wherever he go - bathe, poo, sleep! Hw to see his hp conversation? He use finger print to lock it! Damn secretive + annoying! Why marry yet dun respect wedding vow?
Lee Jiahui
Lee Jiahui

on 02 Oct 2018

Then may have to engage private investigator to take photos. Usually if can show that they enter a hotel/house together and a few times, and then have some hugging or kissing in car or public photos, should be able to count as evidence. The phone evidence if cant get then bo bian liao.
Gabriel Lee
Gabriel Lee
Level 6. Master
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

Sorry to hear about your situation but I feel that if possible, you should talk to him about it and try to resolve it for the sake of your children. Because I'm sure that your kids will be the one who suffers the most especially since they are still growing up and they will also be affected emotionally and mentally. However if all else fails, you can fail for a divorce and he will be liable to give you a monthly maintenance fee.

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Nicholas Chan
Nicholas Chan
Level 5. Genius
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

As a woman, u will get alimony. Amount is dependent on the the situation though. On another note, is it possible to seek reconciliation with your husband?

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Jay Liu
Jay Liu, Sleepyhead at Land of Dreams
Level 6. Master
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

Don't know much about this topic. But I feel it's better if both of you can try to solve the situation and find out what's wrong in the current relationship. Maybe you don't need to divorce but just live separately for the kids as they are still young and you don't want to have an impact during their upbringing.

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Good Day Every Day
Good Day Every Day
Level 6. Master
Updated on 07 Jun 2019

Your husband has to provide maintenance for you and your kids under the Women's Charter since he is the one who has an affair. However, I do hope there is no misunderstanding. It is still better to talk through the matter with your husband before coming to any decision.

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Goh Ah Mao
Goh Ah Mao

on 25 Sep 2018

The affair does not factor into court’s decision whether or not to provide maintenance for wife and kids.
Leong Wen Fong
Leong Wen Fong
Level 6. Master
Answered on 24 Sep 2018

By another person who wished to remain anonymous:

Dear Anonymous, I know exactly how you feel. My marriage was on the brink from 2015, but it took me 2 yrs b4 I decided to file a writ of divorce from my ex-husband.

As an impending single mom of 3 sch-going kids, armed only w an Advanced Diploma; I sought help with the Legal Aid Bureau.

Guess what? Unless your TOTAL ASSETS including all your bank accounts (as well as anything in your name; this includes your property, car, children's bank/trust accounts are ALL UNDER S$10,000.00), they will consider you as financially-able to afford your own lawyer.

So LAB was a no-go for me. I had some less than S$20K and even then, they considered me "well-to-do" enough. Which was totally unfair, as I needed this momey to start afresh, with my 3 kids.

The entire legal process took me 9 months, even though mine was considered a "straightforward" divorce case.

Also, I took my own initiative to file for maintenance at the Family Courts. And when the day came, the $3K I asked for 3 kids (at the time they were 17, 13 and 10) ended up being accorded to me in 2018 at only half of what I asked for.

This is in lieu of the fact that my self-employed ex-husband did not file his YA2018 tax filing. If you can, try to garner all your ex's NOAs for at least 7 years to the day you file for your divorce. Because you will need it. As well as all financial records, what you paid/contributed to the setting up of your home & family.

Trust me, all will be considered. If you can, try to gather evidence of all he "spent" or "invested" into his affair(s), as this will show if he can afford the affair(s), he can afford to pay you an alimony/maintenance.

As for getting a job, yes do. Get yourself to WSG/SSG and get yourself a Career Coach. Spruce up your CV, and believe me when I say, think about roping in family help for your children. For me, I couldn't. So I had to rely on using my savings to get my kids set up in a 3-room HDB rental, so that I can focus on getting a full-time job.

Get yourself to your Minister MPS session. Explain to him/her you see an impending situation regarding your divorce and that you'll need help/any type of financial assistance you can get, b4 your job offer

I went to see mine, Mr Chan Chun Seng (this is before I & my kids were kicked out of my matrimonial home by my ex). And he hooked me up with Careers Connect, he also got me emergency funds of some S$300.00

That's all he could do, but it was his kindness more than anything else that dawned on me that it was imperative I got myself a job/part-time or otherwise. I ended up getting a part-time PLUS several other freelance, part-time retail/F&B jobs which paid cash every 2 weeks - a necessary lifeline.

I also drove UBER & GRAB

The reality is, you will need to start preparing & have a To-Do list before you think about divorce. If the marriage is deemed unsalvageable, then I highly recommend you give yourself 2 years to prepare; before you jump the gun. And these are only the practical/financial considerations. There are also the emotional/mental considerations you'll need to ponder about; especially if your kids are young.

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